Marriage? Anyone?

Ah~ the topic I hate to talk about the most.

When someone, like my friends and cousins or nieces/nephews are getting married, there would be some suara sumbang saying "kau bila lagi?" I was irritated by if it were 4 years ago. Irritated because:-

>> One, my marital status is not of anyone concern but mine.
>> Two, I was and still am too young to be tied down myself.
>> Three, marriage is not a one-day-function kind of thing. It is a lifetime thing and needs a lot of emotional work and responsibility to make it last. So I should not simply pick up a stranger by the road, give him a tux, ties and a pair of shoes, then expect me to marry him right there isn't it?

However, as time flies by, seasons passed, the suara sumbang finally had no effect on me. Mainly because I have no care of words coming out from people who didn't know better. And people can say words that is a lot more offending then just a minor tease of "kau bila lagi?"

As a girl, I did have some kind of dream how my wedding would be, what dress I want to wear, the theme and theme colors, how many layers my cake should have, what church should I get married in, where should I do the reception, where should I rent my gown, who would do my makeup, who would be my bridesmaid and flower girl... All had been figured out except who is the groom. I once convinced myself to marry a realistic version of Mr. Jerry Maguire. Hah! Silly me~

But as I grow up, I love the idea of being single. I'm not saying I don't want to have a boyfriend, I mean single as in my marital status. But I previously feared to commit myself into any long-term relationship. My previous dating relationship will only last over a year but never got into the 2nd anniversary mainly because of my fear not want to get too serious. I'm not saying that I'm a player, because I truly do have feelings with them. Just not strong or deep enough I would call it love.
(I love the quote Kim K. made "love to be in LOVE" in a talk show before she married and dumps Kris Humphrey.)

My current boyfriend said it could be my fear of getting heartbreaks. I won't deny it because who would possibly want to endure such kind of ache? But there is a part of me said that my fear is much deeper than "afraid of heartbreak".

I have been with boyfriend since the last month of the first quarter of 2008 which was somehow after his birthday. (The a-bit-over-a-year ex before him thought we were together before the ex and I broke-up which was wrong) We were best friends for few months and I was hoping that we stayed BFF. I don't want and refuse to ruin the friendship that I have with him. He is an extremely sweet and nice person while I know my bad emotional habit will crushed him. When he confessed his feelings to me, I was horrified and tried to make him think it's just feeling that will fly away eventually. I convinced him that he could do better and promised to hook him up with one of my many friends but failed miserably. He insisted that he wanted me and nobody else and begged to have a try even just for a moment. I accepted it and guess what? It was the best decision I have ever made in my entire life.

I am not completely head over heel and in LOVE kind of love but he makes my life so much easier. From all the boys and men I have met, he is the only one that able to make me felt loved without the bling-bling, flowers, romantic dinner or sumpah janji dibawah bulan-bintang, batu dan pokok bambu (cliche). It was like we are connected through our mind/soul, we could think alike and able to walk the same path even though we have such different personalities.

People might call it opposite attraction but it's not. He is the reserve (unless provoked), strict, calm and collected type while I am loud, sarcastic, sometimes quite obnoxious, annoying but easy going. He is the planning type. He will prepare plan A, B and C, then always manage to go through according to those plan an succeed. I, on the other hand, just go with the flow and let time tells what is going to be next but always get what I want to get in the end. The way we view in life, about people, work, learning, etc is somewhat similar which make our conversation is very.... compatible? Is that the right word to use?

Being with him is so comfortable that I lost count how many years had gone by. And by this September, its been 5 years since we know each other.Without him, I might still be some little girl afraid of long-term relationship. I might still be bouncing from one guy to another now.

Though that been said, I still fear marriage. I am not afraid of giving birth, it sounds and look painful but it is not what I most afraid of. I am afraid of carrying responsibilities as a wife and a mother.

I have seen married friends juggling life, work, kids and husband. But what they get in returns? A bloody divorce paper just because they are not good enough as a wife. Worse, mistresses harassing the legal wife to leave the husband. I definitely am not prepared for all that(nobody will be anyway). I know people said: "Itu dari kau saja bah tu. Tidak semestinya semua lelaki macam itu. Pilihlah laki yang bagus2."

Err... Ya, easier said than done. I do trust boyfriend. Even before dating him, I can see he is not the type of man that would be swayed easily. But our dating relationship went extremely great, I just don't want to ruin that. Same like I don't want to ruin our friendship when he first ask me to become his girlfriend, but marriage is like an eternity thing.

Boyfriend did propose countless times but I rejected the idea. I don't think I'll ever be able to be ready. Our relationship has been stable and went very great these part 3 years (the early day of the relationship was great but turned a bit sour on the second year but not a very long time though). But I know if I let this man slipped out of my hands, it will be the dumbest thing I will ever do in my entire existence.

Gamophobia is the name for fear of marriage. Though I fear of signing the marriage paper, I refuse to acknowledge that I have Gamophobia because I do want to get married. Not now or any sooner, just someday.

A great friend, who passed few years back (bless his soul. Amen!), once told me:-

You are afraid because you haven't meet "the one". You know he is "the one" when you are able to imagine growing old in a shack but not feeling even a bit sad about it. 

So is boyfriend "the one"? (^_^)

I am the "boy" while he is definitely the "girlie-girl" in the relationship. 

Nobody would ever imagine how girlie this macho man is. 

Wink!

- JV